Tolerating Confusion
But never accepting it
I get confused a lot.
I’ve spent
years trying to get to research level physics skill
years trying to do a quantum chemistry project
months figuring out how to best use physics in a biosecurity context
months figuring out how to set up an independent science community
weeks trying to learn LEAN syntax for PhysLEAN.
several hours trying to do a tricky integral from Shankar’s condensed matter theory
For all of these things, I seem to live in a constant state of confusion. I am usually too confused to understand what the problems are. And if I do, I still get confused on terminology, novel content, mechanisms, relative importance, and math.
Having more experience doesn’t get rid of confusion. Rather, my feeling of confusion has stayed at a constant whirr. Nature has infinite levels of detail, and the deeper you go, the more confusing the levels appear.
So, to move forward, I have to do things despite being confused. It’s like being on an endless, wobbly treadmill. I have to make decisions, write code, do math, and email people with imperfect knowledge of what I am talking about.
It often feels like rearranging symbols around in some pattern-matchy way without understanding what they mean yet. And this leads to making decisions filled with uncertainty.
But I don’t think that one should accept confusion. Rather, the furthest I am willing to go is to tolerate confusion, like a guest overstaying in my house for eternity.
Or, like how my girlfriend tolerates my overly loud chewing. (Sorry Amelia).

Once you get married .. you will either get clarity or be even more confused 🤣🤣